I’ve made a big decision today, and I have to say that it’s lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.
My parents separated almost 2 years ago now, and we split the time half and half. I half live with my Dad, half with my Mum.
But being at Dad’s isn’t very nice sometimes – he isn’t very nice to me, he isn’t earning very much money and there’s never any food in the house, nor clean clothing or bedsheets. I don’t like living there. And today was the day that I decided to tell him that.
I’m staying with my Mum for the time being (who keeps the house immaculate by the way) and I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.
I know that it has upset Dad, but I can’t spend my time with him protecting his feelings. I am not responsible for him, I can’t do that at this point in my life.
I have enough on my plate already, I’m not good enough to be responsible for another human being. His choices are his now.
I tend to ignore big decisions until they go away or resolve themselves.
This is not a good tactic, but it did let me have a long, hard think about things. And about the rights that I have. I started having counselling soon after they split up, and I can’t say how much it has helped me look into myself and be sure that I am making the right decision.
I have the right to be happy, and only I can make me happy. And especially at this important time in my life, I need to make myself happy.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, and right now I’m not going to worry about that, because I suddenly feel like all that burden of having to go to Dad’s and have him ploy for my sympathy (which I wasn’t going to give him) and starve to death over the next week until I’m back at Mum’s has just gone away, dissipated into the air, and that makes me so happy.
I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve taken control of my life.
Almost in the same way that my Mum did when she decided to be brave, and leave my father.
I was shaking today, I was scared, I was excited, there were all these different things buzzing around in my head. I don’t know what will happen, but whatever it is, I think that things will be much better for me.
Now I can concentrate on my GCSEs, my friends and my family without watching my every move half the time, just so I don’t make Dad cry.
Responsibility is a scary thing.
I’m a teenager, on the brink between adulthood and childhood, desperately switching from one to the other and trying to find a perfect balance which doesn’t exist, deciding which responsibilities we should bear, and which we shouldn’t.
It’s confusing, it’s sometimes horrible, it’s sometimes amazing.
Being a teenager is unstable already, and I finally feel like I have a little control over everything – that things are a little more stable.
As I said, I tend to avoid big decisions. I try not to take everything so seriously – we don’t matter as much as we think we do. In the universe, we’re nothing. It doesn’t matter if you arrive at work with your pyjama bottoms on, it doesn’t matter as much.
If we take everything seriously we’ll make ourselves ill – believe me, I get mouth ulcers from stress and it sucks!
I think that I’ve made the right decision, that I’ve taken my time in making the right decision, and especially that I will be happy.
The most important thing in the world is to be happy.
So make yourself happy.
No one else can do it.